From: Andy Kilpatrick
Sent: 15 December 2024
To: Andy's Marvellous Friends
Hi folks – Andy here. I’ve been very busy recently, so I asked an Artificial Assistant(1) to help me write this. It got a bit carried away for some reason, so I’ve added personal comments / clarifications where needed. But I'll let it start off.
Howdy fellow Christmasafarians - Merry Christmas!
Let me tell you, nobody knows Christmas better than me. Believe me, I’ve had the best Christmases, the most beautiful decorations, and the most incredible celebrations. Christmas is a time of joy, a time of family, and a time for great things. It has incredible potential, but it's being held back by the same people who’ve been running Christmas into the ground for decades. People who don’t know how to party, don’t know how to have proper family arguments, and frankly, don’t know how to Make Christmas Great Again. People are always saying, “Kilpatrick, you know how to do Christmas!” And you know what? They’re absolutely right. We need strong turkeys. And I’m the only one who can deliver. Read on and support me in bringing on the Best Christmas, Ever.
News Roundup
What a year – best year ever – really the greatest in all history.
Hmm… well we had a busy and fun year.
Family News
Barbara
Let me tell you, folks, my wife, Barbara is absolutely incredible. She’s a total
winner—people are always talking about her; they say she’s the most beautiful of my wives: and she
really is. She’s not just a pretty face, though - Barbara is an amazing IT Compliance tsar; a
fantastic singer; and she's done tremendous work in the area of retirement enjoyment planning and execution.
- She spent 3 weeks in India instigating Yoga and commanding a fleet of vehicles to parade her around the sights.
- Many catch-ups with old friends. Well, some of them might not be old. Depends what you call old. Ouch!
- Her ‘Finchley Choir Take Over’ campaign was a huge success - and now she’s the Boss. The head honcho. Big cheese. Numero uno. Yeah Baby!
- No work at all. Lucky cow.
Ellie
Let me tell you about Ellie - she’s absolutely brilliant. A true success in every way. Not only
is she an incredible linguist, but she’s also done amazing work Lyon. She helped push for women’s empowerment
and created jobs for thousands of apprentices. (Well, 2...)
She's got this natural ability to bring people together, and she’s really proven herself in
business and in life. People are always telling me, 'Ellie is going to be a leader one day.'
And you know what? I agree with them. (2)
- Ellie has spent the year in Lyon working and studying for a masters in HR. In a couple of months she finishes and is off to do some travelling; then job seeking in Lyon.
- [Ed: why not the UK? Andy: no ranting allowed in this missive]
Josh
Josh is a tremendous guy. He’s got a sharp mind, and he’s a real fighter. He’s been with me every step of the way in building the Kilpatrick brand. People don’t realize how much he’s done. He’s one of the hardest workers you’ll meet, and he's really done an incredible job with the NHS – so many people have turned their PCs off and on again, you wouldn’t believe it. People love him, and you know, when you see someone with that kind of drive and passion, it’s amazing. He’s going places, trust me.
Josh is enjoying life up in York.
He’s been to Morocco.
Holidays
Last year, we took many beautiful trips to fantastic places, just incredible. We were all there, all together, and
it was amazing. The best part is being together as a couple, or family, but it doesn’t hurt when you have
the best accommodations, the best service, and, of course, the best food. That’s what we do.
We know how to enjoy ourselves, and it’s always memorable.
(Blushing) Some highlights from a busy year:
- Us: Met Ellie for a weirdly sunny weekend in Grenoble in April.
- Us: Nice trip to the Italian Lakes – despite BA’s best efforts(3) (see also last year, grr). Best birthday breakfast view ever. Tremendous!
- Us: Hiking on the Catalonian coast – lovely.
- Me: trip to Amsterdam (by lovely Eurostar) to meet up with an old friend. There was some good street art. The best street art ever.
- Me: trip to York to see Josh; hiked in Dales; I bought him food. Got to see the very soggy start of the York marathon, with all the buff gentlemen zooming past at the start, followed by increasingly more normal looking people as time passed.
- Barbara: trip to Lyon to see Ellie.
- Us: trip with Josh and Ellie to Ghent for some Xmas market fun.
Music
Nobody knows horn playing like I do. I’m the best, absolutely the best. People are always asking me, 'Andy, how do you do it?' and I tell them—it's simple. I have a great instinct for these things, I know how to read music, I know how to count, I know where the pub is.
- Lots of playing this year – 5 different orchestras, week in Isle of Wight, chamber music, ... I think I overdid it in autumn with three rehearsals / week – all good fun though: Mahler / Martinu / Coleridge-Taylor / Lutoslawski / ...
- Barbara continues to sing all over the place: Finchley, many cathedrals, obscure bits of Norway, the shower.
- Many fine Proms attended – though we didn’t get to see Florence and the Machine.
- We went to an actual gig. In a park. With a friend. There was loud music. And no chairs. I particularly enjoyed a happy hour of techno dancing to “Floating Point”, and the fab headliners “LCD Soundsystem” (I think it may have been OLED actually.) Josh turned up for them, though we didn’t see him, coz there were like more than hundreds of people there, and the air was very “smoky”.
Work
Let me tell you about programming — I'm a master at it. There’s nobody better, and everyone knows it. I’ve made software for everyone — from the best mega-corporation in the world(4), to the toughest start-up(5) - and I always come out on top. I know how to fix the best bugs, and when I write code, it’s like watching the Matrix.
I’m still enjoying my job – after all, smarter supply chains benefit everyone! And four-day working is the way to go folks(6).
I did some AI programming, cool huh! OK. this actually meant 'writing a question in English', which was a struggle, but I managed it.
Such Magnificent code!
Health
Let me tell you, folks, I’m in great shape. Really great shape. I’m healthier than most people half my age. I’ve been told by many doctors, some of the best in the world, that I have a tremendous physical condition. I’m strong, I’ve got great energy, and I take care of myself, and [Ed: Stop! Enough!]
We’re OK.
Social
Yes, quite a bit. Which was nice.
Financial
Apparently when you retire, you have to start spending your savings, goddam it. Luckily, Barbara has two Financial Advisers. The other one is quite competent.
Misc
Barbara recently enjoyed supping posh very expensive tea in a fancy hotel, surrounded by placard-bearing farmers. Lol.
We went to see Steve Coogan in “Dr Strangelove”. Aren’t we lucky to live in different times now.
I replaced a decrepit carpet with some laminate flooring. My whole body ached for A WEEK afterwards. Ah, lost youth...
Barbara has now learnt all Spanish. Claims to be not very good. Has long incomprehensible conversation with Spanish taxi driver. Pah. See above.
Wrap-up
We are stronger than ever before, and the best is yet to come.
Er, OK.
Thanks for reading – well done if you got this far…
Hope you and your friends and families all have a lovely Christmas, and best wishes for a healthy and happy 2025.
Love,
Andy
Footnotes