From: Andy Kilpatrick
Sent: 16 December 2025
To: People I know
Greetings, Noble Recipients of this Annual Scroll (featuring the usual not-very-hard guess-the-mystery-theme vibe).
Yes, it’s that time again: when my creative juices begin to simmer gently in the CO₂-induced winter warmth. It can only mean one thing: THE CHRISTMAS MISSIVE IS UPON YOU. (Cue trumpets. And possibly a penguin on the telly.)
I know, the excitement can be too much. I prescribe a calming dose of “Is It Cake? Holiday”: a Netflix documentary exploring the philosophical boundaries of sponge-based deception.
This year I return to the traditional manboy?-made format, after receiving a modest(note1) amount of feedback on last year’s trump-ai-ian approach.
Early Late Midlife Crisis?
- Acquired a sporty-ish Audi TT, under the impression it was for me. It is not. It is for Barbara, who grins like a Cheshire Cat every time we go round a corner at more than 12 mph.
- Was thrilled to be told by a young lady that I could not possibly be old enough to have a 25 (now-26!) year-old daughter (note2).
- That’s it. Apparently my midlife crisis is running out of ideas.
The Ministry of Silly Tourism
Cambodia- Fabulous. Angkor Wat highly recommended.
- Also bumped into Angelina Jolie, who disappointingly, did not invite us to join a covert archaeological heist.
- Barbara did not shout "Ni" when I swerved into a shrubbery(note3). No.
- Drove the aforementioned TT to La Rochelle and environs. Hot, lovely, and full of items such as islands, bicycles, delicious food, ex-girlfriend, and surprise birthday offspring appearances.
- Champagne country apparently misunderstood the brief - Il a plu chats et chiens.
- We were pining for the, er, outdoors. So had a fab holiday with friends Paddy & Sarah.
- There were lakes. There were mountains. There was a cave.
- ... and a Cow Ball! The tourist office was very keen on this, but as far as I could tell everyone appeared to be walking normally.
Music (but NO SOUSA!)
- Did quite a lot of music. Possibly too much, if that’s a thing.
- Attended some positively top proms.
- Barbara sang in many fancy places. And cathedrals. And fancy cathedrals.
- I played a Brandenburg concerto in a posh house with some lovely posh folk. I am slightly worried this means I might actually be posh myself. Nah - I went to a comp, not even a grammy (NOTE Yes, I’d like ketchup with my chip on the shoulder, thanks).
- Went to TWO actual popular music gigs. Steady on Andy!
- Underworld, at Audley End, were fab.
- The Maccabees at All Points East were less my teapot, though I rather liked Nilufer Yanya (*see midlife crisisy things above)).
- Beer/food/company all top-tier.
Keeping Fit with Silly Walks
We did the London Loop! Well, actually the first half. Then it got a bit rainy.
Not The Comfy Chairs!
Watched far too much TV. But some of it was really really good. Severance, Slow Horses, Alien Earth, Pluribus, ...
The Ministry of Domestic Affairs
- Ellie finished her HR Masters in January, then travelled around Oz/SE Asia with her gentleman friend. Now she’s got her first “proper job” in Lyon, loving life over there, and getting on with general adulting.
- Josh spent a fun summer travelling the US, including driving in Manhattan and LA — terrains I personally would only approach with a tank. He’s currently boomerangily job-hunting. If anyone has IT contacts in Manchester, please release the carrier pigeon.
- Barbara finally reached maturity and got a bus pass, with pleny of spam on the side... Nah, she had a fab party, and then I whisked her off to a fancy Hotel/Spa/Posh Meal break, next to Hyde Park.(note4)
- Some light oldie wrangling, with minimal casualties.
Less Exciting Things
- Was subjected to what I can only assume was a small-scale bio-warfare attack in October: nasty cold → lung infection → somewhat Covid-y cold.
- Pulled through heroically without any assistance from the US. Except possibly via antibiotics. Which Europe WILL pay for.
News from The Society For Putting Things Into Things Then Moving Them Somewhere Else
- The logistics startup I work for was purchased a big industrial AI corporate. Not Weyland-Yutani, or The Ministry. I think.
- I’ve been using AI (or should that be "eye-eye, sir"?) a fair bit at work. I remain narrowly ahead in the eternal Man vs Machine Bake-Off.
- See also Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein.
- Or Disney’s Alien Earth — lovely family viewing if your family enjoys hiding in terror behind the sofa.
- Or Ex Machina, Terminator, M3gan, A.I., 2001, Westworld, ... you get it.
And Now For Something Totally Similar: World News
Let’s not.
OK: Bonus Festive Maths Quiz:
- I give you one Trillion Dollars, because you turned up for work for a bit.
- The bank pays you 3% interest per year.
- Every minute of every hour of every day you give away a certain amount X(note5) to passing strangers.
- Question: How much would you have to give away (each minute) in order to actually be losing money?
- Clue to help the less mathsy: that is a little over half a million donations in the year.
The End(not the end)
And so, brave readers, my tale draws to a close.
May your missives be festive, your shrubberies well-trimmed, and your coconuts always clip-clopping in perfect rhythm.
Happy Easter! NO! Chrism...arrgghhhh...
Love,
Andy
The Unexpected Footnotes