From: Andy Kilpatrick

Sent: 19 December 2018 09:02

To: Andy Kilpatrick

Subject: RoboMissive.2018.Xmas v1.0

Hi folks!

Well, another year ticks by. It’s been a rollercoaster ride, full of life’s ups and downs. And that was just yesterday in parliament… ^{(see Note 1)}

I thought I’d see if an AI would write my Xmas missive this year, as I’m too busy ~~looking at social media~~ at work to produce any actual human communication.

And I thought it’d be nice get a flavour of what life will be like when AI’ses do everything - while we humans sit around sipping champers, doing etchings, telling our driverless cars “you didn’t wanna to go that way”^{(see Note 2)}

So let’s see what my phone has to say. (These are all 100% genuine!)

Andy: “Hey Siri! How was my year?”

Siri: “You have at least 25 appointments.”

Andy: Gosh, really!

Andy: “Hey Siri! Tell everyone about the exciting events in my life since last Christmas”

Siri: “Who do you want to send this message to”

Andy: “All my friends”

Siri: “I don’t know who your friend is. In fact, I don’t know who you are.”

Andy: I’m scared now

Andy: “Hey Google, Happy Christmas”.

Google: “Merry Christmas! I’ve been getting festive by chatting to some reindeer. If you want to hear my interview with them just ask me to play the reindeer interview.”

Andy: I’m alright thanks.

Andy: “Hey Siri! Hey Google!”

Siri: “Wow. Awkward.”

Andy: Humans Rule!

Andy: “Facebook, why do you exist, and why is my newsfeed entirely full of Brexit stuff and cakes?”

Facebook: ”” (No answer. Aloha is not out yet. But it’s coming, be warned…)

Hmm – I think I’d better write the rest myself.

The Usual Musical Highlights

Me: Plenty of orchestral and chamber music. I got to play the Wagner Tuba - a kind of loud (even more?) out-of-tune cross between a horn and a trombone - in, er, Wagner. Vocal gymnastics from the generously proportioned lady did indeed presage completion of proceedings.
Barbara: lots of singing - and some fine solos - progressing from Jezebel (in Eljah) to Death (in Elgar’s For The Fallen). Onwards and upwards?
Ellie continues her flute playing at Durham. Apparently twenty-seven flautists turned up for the first rehearsal of one orchestra…
Josh regularly makes load thumpy noises on our piano (with headphones on). Every now and again we actually get to hear him – he’s pretty good!

In other news,

Izzy (11) is now scared of the sound her collar makes on her food bowl when she is eating. Who’s a Clever Dog then.
Ellie [19] has enjoyed her first term at Durham, and is revelling in life away from Annoying Parents (well, Dad). We’re currently re-introducing her to Fruit.
Josh [17] is proving to be a rather droll young gentleman, and a master of D&D and Origami. He’s hoping to do Physics somewhere nice next year.
Barbara [lovely] has become High Priestess and Grand Poobah of GDPR. Me neither.
I [close to maturation] have been undergoing a Mid-Life Holistic Personal Stress Reduction Plan^{(see Note 3)}. To wit, I have stopped Managing Millennials ^{(see Note 4)} at work, and am doing some Actual Work. Now my head is full of “5G”, “Agile”, “Rust”, “Cloud-native” and similar trendspeak. Hopefully I’ll soon know wot these are. “Fast Fail” seems straightforward though…

Bonus Fun Not-Very-Hard Xmas Quiz: Where did I/we go this year? ^{(see Note 5)}

Our hotel was named after an inaccurate weatherman.
Animated Klimt – wow!
Lizard and maybe a dolphin.
We walked around inside Lembit.
Its full of stars.
We enjoyed the works of Slartibartfast.
I liked the car Mick Jagger mysteriously donated to this place.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,

Andy, Barbara, Ellie & Josh

Notes

1.https://www.youtube.com/embed/aV0d_5GES0A?rel=0&showinfo=0 perhaps.
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCpdO8nkmc8. My AI says “if you like this, you may also like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH56UOjDQ4A.”
3. With thanks to Alain de Botton and friends.
4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koch_snowflake#/media/File:Von_Koch_curve.gif.
5. One of these may be made up!

2017 Xmas 2018 Missive 2019