From: Andy Kilpatrick
Sent: 17 December 2022
To: Andy's Friends
Subject: Xmas Newscast 2022
Hello again loyal readers!
2022. What a year. Filled with exciting changes – some too wonderous to extoll in this admittedly not entirely brief missive. Here a few carefully curated highlights from the Kilpatrick Household, in Overexcitable Headline Mode.
DON’T REMAIN INDOORS!
Finally.
BLOKE QUITS JOB AND GETS NEW JOB THAT IS QUITE SIMILAR
Yes, After 32½ years in my job at Data-Connection-Metaswitch-Microsoft, I “decided”(1) it was time for my second job. White-hot pace of technology and all that. Since my previous interviews were in 1989, and everyone loves hiring fifty-somethings, I had no trepidation whatsoever …. but now I’m working at a trendy(2) start-up in supercool Soho(3) doing some sort of coding type stuff. And NO MANGEMENT - happy sigh.
I shall however cherish these precious mementos of my old life.
CHILDREN MYSTERIOUSLY GROW UP
Ellie and Josh both graduated this year – yay! Their graduation ceremonies turned out not to be on the same day, so there was disappointingly little fighting involved.
We got to compare and contrast Durham Cathedral and Southampton Football stadium as super-covid-catchup graduation venues.
It was great to see all the energy and enthusiasm of the young folk(4).
WOMAN NOTHING WITHOUT A MAN
Barbara continued her relentless ascent and is now a Senior Vice President of Stuff. And really enjoying dealing with Board Politics – Go Girl!
M4 STRANGELY QUIET
Barbara was busy this year helping her mum move to a care home in Beaconsfield and selling the house in Bristol (just completed in time before the Truss-aster / Kwart-ocalypse).
Not much fun – but she’s now much nearer to us so Barbara can see her much more often. And there are some nice pubs in Beaconsfield, so I go too sometimes.
FAMILY BOOSTS ECONOMY
We bought a Dyson. It’s got a laser to illuminate the dust! I’ve actually done hoovering (dysoning?) voluntarily!! Clearly this is what Humankind needs(5).
BREXIT IS WORKING FOR BRITAIN FRANCE
After a summer in France, Ellie is now working as a language assistant at Limoges University. In Limoges. Which is somewhere in France.
She has greatly enjoyed the visa paperwork. But really misses the British quality of life(6).
LONDON MAN IN “ITS NOT GRIM UP NORTH” SHOCK!
In late breaking news, Josh has got a job Up North - in York - working as an IT Support guru, with highly specialised “turn it off and on again” training.
LONELY PARENTS SEEK SOLACE IN DRUGS
The above news means that Barbara and I are now finally proper Empty Nesters (after what turned out to be a bit of a Fail in 2019 – see here). Hooray – free at last! And not even slightly sad-and-purposeless, oh no.
Sadly we “did” all known drugs in Lockdowns v1.0-2.3, in the form of binge-watching of Breaking Bad, Narcos, Narcos Mexico, Ozarks, etc. Watching these to the end was sufficient to convince us not to make a really big life/career change…(7)
TYPESETTERS DECLARE ANDY TO BE OLD
See here (and also here and here ...) , versus all my emails including this one. Bah humbug.
WHICH WAS NICE
Music:
- Continued to return to the old normal this year; Barbara did lots of singing – including a gig with the Queen (in St George’s Chapel Windsor (no: after), and various other cathedrals. And some tiny churches in Norway.
- I got myself a shiny new horn. Not bad for a man of my age. Playing highlights included works by Pärt / Honegger / Messiaen / Shostakovich and other great composers. And some Wagner.
Holidays:
- All four of us went Up North and yomped about a bit on a Raspberry Pi and did some Shambling, or something. We had a whole valley to ourselves, which was nice. Last ever “holiday with the kids”?!?
- Me & B had a lovely trip to Croatia, touring various islands I’ve still not heard of. Cress – Lozenge – Kirk - Raab(8)? There were some naked Germans(9), but otherwise scenery was rather good. We also encountered a magical sea organ thingy, which I predict will spread worldwide like the Andean Panpipers of yore.
- The missus popped over to Limoges to see Ellie; and also popped over to Antwerp to see the not-yet-open-great-planning-there-Barbara Xmas market.
- I went here – who can guess where? (10)
Events:
- We kept things spicy on Valentine’s Day.
- We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with a nice fancy Spa weekend. WAGs were
spotted in the vicinity. We had a hot tub. (Barbara, is this SFW?)
- We also attended a couple of other silver anniversaries which were lovely. But did not feature hot tubs. Come on guys
Well, that’s all folks.
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Andy
Footnotes
- (1) Stop laughing Barbara
- (2) Logistics, Machine Learning, Big Data. Yeah baby!
- (3) I fit in well with the vegan falafel eating hordes. At least hipster beards are no longer de rigeur. Wait…
- (4) Looking forward no doubt to the exciting debt-ridden war-torn climate catastrophe world run by politically & economically illiterate incompetent and corrupt leaders that our generation has kindly provided for them as a fun challenge
- (5) Shame about Mr Dyson?
- (6) I can hear her laughing from here.
- (7) Spoiler alert: except for one of the aforementioned – maybe.
- (8) No, not James T. Or Dominic. (See List of islands of Croatia - Wikipedia)
- (9) Quite a lot actually. Warum?
- (10) The Isle of Wight obvs! On a hike, I came across a lovely botanical garden in Ventnor.